Have you ever had to sit and listen to your boss’ jokes? Yeah, we all have. That’s the subject of this week’s boss joke:
When the boss returned from lunch, he was in a great mood. He called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up.
Everybody laughed uproariously, except for one woman.
“What’s the matter with you?” said the boss. “Don’t you have a sense of humor?”
“I don’t have to laugh,” she replied. “I’m leaving Friday.”
In this time of cutbacks and austerity budgets, it seems there are downsizing announcements every night on the news. Let’s hope it doesn’t happen like in this boss joke:
Boss: “Experts say humour in the workplace relieves tension in this time of downsizing. So….. Knock Knock.”
Employee: “Who’s there?”
Boss: “Not you anymore!”
Happy Monday! Ever wonder which part of the body would be the boss? Today’s joke reveals the answer:
When man was created, all the parts of the body argued over who would be boss.
The brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body, he should be boss. The legs argued that since they took the man wherever he wanted to go, they should be boss. The stomach countered with the explanation that since he digested all the food, he should be boss. The eyes said that without them man would be helpless, so they should be boss. Then the asshole applied for the job. The other parts of the body laughed so hard at this that the asshole became mad and closed up.
After a few days…
The brain went foggy, the legs got wobbly, the stomach got ill, and the eyes got crossed and unable to see. They all conceded and made the asshole boss.
This proved that you don’t have to be a brain to be boss…
Just an Asshole.
Feeling a little unmotivated at work? Here are some words to live by:
Always give 100% at work…
- 12% on Mondays
- 23% on Tuesdays
- 40% on Wednesdays
- 20% on Thursdays
- 5% on Fridays
And remember …….
When you’re having a really bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend your finger and flip them the bird.
Now get back to work.
Have you ever wished for something better in your life? This week’s Monday Boss Joke shows that you should be careful what you wish for.
A boss and two of her staff walked into the cafeteria and tripped on a bottle on the floor. Suddenly, a cloud of smoke shot out of the bottle and a genie appeared. The genie said to the three of them, “I will grant each of you one wish.”
The first employee said, “Wow! I’ve always wanted to be in a villa in Italy!” The genie snapped his fingers, and in an instant, the employee was gone.
The second employee said, “I want to go on a trip around the world!” Once again, the genie snapped his fingers and the second employee vanished.
The boss then turned to the genie and said with a scowl, “I want both those employees back after lunch.”
Ever have a boss that feeds off of authority? Today’s joke showcases one such boss:
A female manager of a large office noticed a new male employee and told him to come into her office.
“What is your name?” she asked the new guy.
“John,” the new guy replied.
She scowled, “Look… I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only … Smith, Jones, Baker … That’s why I am to be only referred to as Mrs. Robertson. Now that we’ve got that straight, what is your last name?”
The new guy sighed, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”
Today’s Monday boss joke is a both a joke and a witty comeback all rolled into one. Enjoy!
The boss was complaining the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect from his staff.
The next day, he brought a small sign to work that stated, “I’m the Boss!” He then taped it to his office door.
Later when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said, “Your wife called. She wants her sign back!”
Instead of a Monday Boss Joke, today I thought I would bring you something a little different. Here is a photo of a humorous practical joke played while the boss was out of the office (courtesy of the photo sharing site, imgur). This isn’t what the boss meant when he said to “keep him posted” while he was gone!
This revenge could cause the employee to be in a "sticky situation."
Here is a short and sweet one to start off your week:
An employee called his boss one morning to say he was calling in sick.
The boss replied, “Whenever I feel sick, I just have sex with my wife. That always makes me feel better. You should try it.”
The employee said, “Okay. I’ll give it a try.”
A while later the employee called his boss back. He said happily, “You’re right! It worked! I feel much better! By the way, you have a really nice house.”
Have you ever mixed family and work? Here’s a Monday Boss Joke to explain why maybe you shouldn’t…
A boss hosted a dinner party for staff and encouraged everyone to bring their children. All during the sit-down dinner one worker’s four-year-old daughter sat staring at the boss. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.
The boss checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. Finally, the boss asked the girl, “Why are you staring at me?”
Everyone at the table went quiet for her response.
The little girl said, “I just want to see how you talk out of your ass.”