Boss Type: The Thought Police
Some bosses just won’t tolerate any questions. It seems that they would rather have a mindless crew of zombies for staff than to suffer from the free-thinking antics of those that dare come up with solutions. If you have a boss that likes to crack down on anyone with a thought in their head, then this seagull clip from “The Family Guy” is for you. It was sent to me from a colleague that had an eerily similar conversation with his boss the other day. Hey – at least it’s the weekend!
Boss Type: Control Freak
Let’s face it. We have all had this boss. The one who treats you like garbage just to prove a point – that he or she has power over us. Well, sometimes, there is a happy ending. Check out Mallory’s story of her control freak boss:
I thought I was quite lucky to have scored a work-from-home gig. The office was a good two-hour drive away, so I was happy to work at home and communicate by phone and email. However, shortly after starting this job, my supervisor suddenly decided that I should come in to see her once a week. Considering the drive, I negotiated coming in once every two weeks instead. We would set a date and time and I would bring files and reports and we planned to go over them together. Unfortunately for me, it felt like it was just a power play on her part. She would never meet with me for our scheduled times. I would drive for two hours, and then just sit in her office while she flitted in and out to talk with other people. I had no place to work – she wouldn’t let me have a temporary desk or a computer to work on. So, I would have to sit there for the full work day and not get anything done. Sometimes, I would sit there for hours while she made phone call after phone call. I wasted my time and my gas (since she did not compensate me for my commute), and she thought she was being smart. However, karma came through in the end. The next time the organization downsized, she was fired and people were a lot happier.
Thank goodness it all worked out in the end, Mallory. We hope you compensated yourself by watching daytime television on the days you didn’t have to go in!
Have you ever had to sit and listen to your boss’ jokes? Yeah, we all have. That’s the subject of this week’s boss joke:
When the boss returned from lunch, he was in a great mood. He called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up.
Everybody laughed uproariously, except for one woman.
“What’s the matter with you?” said the boss. “Don’t you have a sense of humor?”
“I don’t have to laugh,” she replied. “I’m leaving Friday.”
In this time of cutbacks and austerity budgets, it seems there are downsizing announcements every night on the news. Let’s hope it doesn’t happen like in this boss joke:
Boss: “Experts say humour in the workplace relieves tension in this time of downsizing. So….. Knock Knock.”
Employee: “Who’s there?”
Boss: “Not you anymore!”
So, after a summer hiatus from My Boss is a Lemon, I have begun collecting stories and jokes to entertain you through the fall and winter (or spring and summer for those of you south of the equator!). Looking through the visitation statistics at the site, I was amazed to see the sheer number of people visiting from around the world. Seriously, looking through the visitation stats is like a world geography course. Believe it or not, people from 72 different countries have visited the site this year. That’s right – 72! You glorious people, you!
But, as happy as I am to have connected with people from 72 countries, it also means that terrible bosses are universal. It doesn’t matter what continent you are on, people there are suffering under the abuses of ridiculously stupid and controlling bosses.
So, let’s keep up the fight, my friends. Let’s continue to expose the poor behaviour of our bosses. Because, if there is anything that unifies people from around the globe, it is the universality of our crappy bosses.
Happy Monday! Ever wonder which part of the body would be the boss? Today’s joke reveals the answer:
When man was created, all the parts of the body argued over who would be boss.
The brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body, he should be boss. The legs argued that since they took the man wherever he wanted to go, they should be boss. The stomach countered with the explanation that since he digested all the food, he should be boss. The eyes said that without them man would be helpless, so they should be boss. Then the asshole applied for the job. The other parts of the body laughed so hard at this that the asshole became mad and closed up.
After a few days…
The brain went foggy, the legs got wobbly, the stomach got ill, and the eyes got crossed and unable to see. They all conceded and made the asshole boss.
This proved that you don’t have to be a brain to be boss…
Just an Asshole.
Feeling a little unmotivated at work? Here are some words to live by:
Always give 100% at work…
- 12% on Mondays
- 23% on Tuesdays
- 40% on Wednesdays
- 20% on Thursdays
- 5% on Fridays
And remember …….
When you’re having a really bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend your finger and flip them the bird.
Now get back to work.
Have you ever wished for something better in your life? This week’s Monday Boss Joke shows that you should be careful what you wish for.
A boss and two of her staff walked into the cafeteria and tripped on a bottle on the floor. Suddenly, a cloud of smoke shot out of the bottle and a genie appeared. The genie said to the three of them, “I will grant each of you one wish.”
The first employee said, “Wow! I’ve always wanted to be in a villa in Italy!” The genie snapped his fingers, and in an instant, the employee was gone.
The second employee said, “I want to go on a trip around the world!” Once again, the genie snapped his fingers and the second employee vanished.
The boss then turned to the genie and said with a scowl, “I want both those employees back after lunch.”
Ever have a boss that feeds off of authority? Today’s joke showcases one such boss:
A female manager of a large office noticed a new male employee and told him to come into her office.
“What is your name?” she asked the new guy.
“John,” the new guy replied.
She scowled, “Look… I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only … Smith, Jones, Baker … That’s why I am to be only referred to as Mrs. Robertson. Now that we’ve got that straight, what is your last name?”
The new guy sighed, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”
Boss Type: Miss No Manners
The office washroom is no place to seek peace and quiet
It is always embarrassing to use the coworker filled washroom at the workplace, but have you ever had to sit in the stall next to your boss? Poor Barry had to, and the results weren’t good:
First off, let me say how much I love My Boss is a Lemon. It makes dealing with my crappy boss so much easier! But, man, do I have a story to share! I had two encounters with my boss in the washroom, and I can’t seem to get them out of my mind!
The first time, I was minding my business in the stall, when my boss came in and used the urinal. Now, I can see the bathroom sink from the crack in the stall door, and when the boss was done, he didn’t wash his hands! This guy is known around the office for having poor personal hygiene, so this just added to my disgust for him.
The second time was significantly worse. I was washing my hands (like a normal, considerate person should) when my boss walked into the washroom and headed into a stall to take a dump. The problem was that he was carrying a very important document to read while he did his business. Later on, I saw the same document being passed from desk to desk, since it needed to be read by various coworkers. Combining the two pieces of information – that he 1) brought the document into the stall with him while he popped a deuce, and 2) that he doesn’t think it necessary to wash his hands – resulted in my sudden realization that my workplace was a festering Petri dish of germs, all thanks to my disgusting boss. I could almost see the germs crawling around the document! When it was brought to me, I simply said, “I’ve read it!” I wouldn’t touch it with a ten-foot pole!
Barry, that sounds like the perfect excuse to avoid all work documents. But, the next time you use the office washroom, try reading this “Guide to Taking a Dump at Work” first. It might help!